Coming back from my monthlong trip back home, I expected it to take a little longer for the loneliness and sadness to hit again… but it came on basically right away. It’s led my thoughts back to trying to come to terms with the idea of dating again. I don’t really think I’m ready, but who knows if I’ll ever be ready. Jamie and I actually talked a lot about dating and moving on after one of us passed. Not too long before we got sick my pregnancy hormone’s actually had me crying in the kitchen because I was so upset about what he’d do if I died. I didn’t want him to be lonely or to raise our babies alone but I also didn’t want yo think about him falling in love with someone else. I was totally crazy cakes and he told me he’d never be able to move on from me. Plus he said, he wouldn’t have any time with two babies to take care of. (He didn’t even really know how accurate that statement was.) He made jokes about swerving us off a cliff while driving “If I can’t have you no one will!” Which was funnier in person than it comes across in text. But we also told eachother that if something happened that we would want the other to move on. That we wouldn’t want them to be lonely and unhappy. Maybe with a few haunting jokes thrown in there for good measure. But I don’t think we ever really expected to have to take any of that advice. I feel like no matter when I start to date again, I’m going to feel like I’m cheating on my soul mate. I don’t want to be alone forever. I want the Twinkies to have a father figure in their lives. I don’t want to sit at home every day for the rest of forever.
Moving past the whole “I don’t think I’m ready to date..” and let’s put a pin into the “lol wut? Where could you possibly find time for dating?” thing… I don’t even know where I’d start. I don’t know anyone here. I know a few other people who lost their spouses and have gotten into new relationships. There is the ever coveted naturally progressive relationship where an old friend turned into more… or there are apps. Considering I don’t know anyone here except for a few moms in a local moms group I have been going to. Which is great, but I still feel like the new kid at school who eats paste and talks to their imaginary friend. I also don’t see myself getting hit on while I’m out and about with the babies. Some days I forget to even brush my hair and I generally look like a not so hot mess. Although I do think I got hit on by a 12 year old at the pool the other week. “Your baby has such pretty eyes. I can see where she gets them from.” 🫢🤦♀️
So that basically leaves the apps. And this is probably my low self esteem talking - but can you imagine the dumpster fire of a profile I’d have? (Also before I continue this paragraph I’d like to preface that the low self esteem comment isn’t a cue for you all to tell me how great/beautiful/pretty/strong I am and especially don’t tell me I have a great personality! 😂 So save yourself the carpal tunnel and don’t address this. Any compliments given now would fall on deaf ears and not be taken seriously. Also, do I even still have a personality? I feel like babies have taken over my entire identity.) I've gained like a million pounds since Jamie and I got together. We did that whole "fat and happy" thing. And before you tell me "you just had twins" - I weigh less now than I did when I got pregnant. (Again, no compliments, deaf ears. It will just make me feel weird.) What exactly would my profile say? “37 year old female. Unemployed. Lives with parents. Well, parent, because my mom died. Oh and I have two babies…. But I don’t have a lot of baby daddy drama because he also died. He was my soul mate and will be impossible for anyone to live up to. I haven’t seen any good movies lately, but if you’re interested in how many speckled frogs sat on the log or would like to debate over Ms. Rachels chin hair vs black heads, I am totally the girl for you. Outside of that I have great hobbies… I crochet and craft with my cricut when I find time (AKA its all in boxes in the basement) so I’ll get along with your grandma spectacularly!” I mean, I’m sure they’ll be knocking the doors down to get to me. I know, I know, don’t put all that on there. I was being facetious. But…. How much can I leave out and not be considered a catfish? Haha!
Jamie really did set an impossible standard. Our relationship was so good that I had friends question its authenticity behind my back. I’ve had multiple friends tell me I might as well not even bother trying to date because Jamie was one in a billion and nobody will ever be able to come close. And whoever I do find who is willing to help me carry all of my obscene amounts of baggage… they’re also going to have to somehow manage to keep the jealousy over him in check. Because I will never renounce my love for him. He’ll always be my husband, even if I one day got married again. This seems like a difficult thing to overcome. I don’t think I would be able to handle it if the situation had been reversed. And “find someone who’s not jealous” is also unlikely. Most people are jealous. Also, if they weren’t jealous at all, it would be incredibly unfair because I have some jealousy issues myself.
I know I’m getting a little ahead of myself here… I could always try just dating for fun instead of looking for a relationship… Or even just finding a flirtationship to find out if I even still know how to flirt. Or if I’m even capable of it with someone who isn’t Jamie. I am so incredibly loyal and I really do know that no matter who it is or how long I wait, I am going to feel like I’m betraying him. I have this horrible picture that runs through my head of having my first kiss with someone and bursting into tears mid kiss. I can’t help all the places my mind is going thinking about this future. I really hate dating. I one time had a boyfriend I didn’t even like for almost a year just because I was tired of dating and by being with him I didnt have to think about it anymore. (If I’ve just described your marriage, I am sorry.) I’ve kissed a lot of frogs. Jamie was supposed to be my forever. My reward for not giving up on love even after it spat in my face time and time again. I am forever and eternally grateful for every beautiful second I was able to spend with him…. And I am so mad that I am going to end up spending my future seconds with someone else (maybe....) And I want to be picky. I know that my pickings will be slim as it is, but I want the person I date to be someone that Jamie would have liked. Someone he’d have approved of. Someone who will be good to my babies. Someone who will make me laugh and make us feel safe. Someone kind, but strong… Like Jamie was. So basically, I’ll probably be single forever. #foreveralone
Dear Libby, you have just expressed so many thoughts that I too have thought about. It's been only 3 months since my David has died and I have already been asked if I would ever think about dating let alone marrying again. I do not believe though that if I don't that I would end up lonely and unhappy. I feel that is something you choose to feel whether you're with someone or not. I truly like the person that I am and am very comfortable with my solitude but that may be a thing that comes with age. You are much younger and have many years ahead of you. You have always been an amazing person, (something Jaime saw also) and are now an amazing loving mother. You have so much to offer someone, in fact that certain someone would be blessed and so damn lucky to have you and your girls be a part of their life. It will happen when it happens. Don't put a time limit on it or stress about it too much. God knows the perfect time.
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