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Blog 3/27/23 - I don’t have a title in me at the moment.

I haven’t even started writing this blog and I’m already not sure if I’ll post it. I’ve been in kind of a funk today. Letting my low self esteem get the best of me. 


I think it started with my grand idea earlier today (technically, yesterday, I guess. Since It’s after midnight.) that I was going to watch some cheesy rom com. I saw a clip from the movie on TikTok and it seemed to be about a down on her luck single mom with some fate and destiny themes thrown in. So I was like “that seems nice and lighthearted!” So I decided to give it a watch. I hadn’t watched anything for myself in weeks, maybe even months. It started with a quote.


“There are only two ways to live your life

One is as though nothing is a miracle

The other is as though everything is.”


I thought “FANTASTIC! Love me some miracles!” But then as it turned out, it was a movie about a down on her luck WIDOW mom. Which was a little closer to home than I’d planned, but I kept watching it anyway. And of course the movie was still cheesy and cute.. And it focused a lot on manifesting and the power of positive thinking. Blah blah blah… So of course I went down the rabbit hole of terrible thoughts. Because no movie is gonna tell ME what to do! (I’m just kidding. Well, about the movie telling me what to do. I actually just went down the rabbit hole because my brain sucks.)


I actually found a brand new, absolutely ridiculous thing to add to my list of intrusive thoughts. I’ve been seeing a lot about “manifesting” on TikTok the last few days and then this movie threw in some manifesting of BAD things, as well as manifesting good things… And my brain had the AUDACITY to actually think the thought “What if you manifested all of the terrible things that happened?” - Which, my logical brain knows is absolutely not the case… But it was a fun new thing to pop into my traitorous brain.


Things kind of cascaded from there and all my insecurities let loose. At first starting with attacks on my general self and state of my life. This isn’t where I’m supposed to be. I’m pathetic, unemployed and living with my step dad at 37 years old. I have nothing of value to bring to the table. I’m boring. I’m not funny. I’m not interesting outside of my horrifying backstory. I suck at life, and in fact, I also have no life. I have nothing to talk about outside of my kids. I don’t even have a personality anymore. I’m just a mom. I no longer have my own identity or sense of self and I don’t know how to get that back. If my new identity is just “mom” - I feel like I suck at that too. No matter how many times I’m told I’m a good mom, I don’t know that I’ll ever believe it. I’m always going to feel like I’m not doing enough. That other moms do more than me, and do it better. I love my Twinkies fiercely, and I will never worry they don’t get enough of my love, but I’ll worry I don’t hold them enough. Or that one may end up getting more of this or that than the other. Or that I’m not doing enough with them or feeding them the right foods because I’m too worried they’ll choke (Or let’s be real, sometimes they get nuggies just because I can’t handle having to clean up after the messier foods AGAIN that day.) I’m holding them back by keeping them in their playpens instead of letting them roam the house. I’m not persistent enough with helping them learn new things. The list can go on and on.


I try very hard to stay positive… Like, I could make it an Olympic sport. And even when I’m spiraling down the hole of self deprecation, I still can acknowledge many of my awesome qualities and characteristics… They’re just temporarily and heavily overshadowed when the insecurities decide to run amok. I don’t really know what the point of writing this blog was. Just venting, perhaps. Or maybe hopes that when I put it in writing I’d see things in a different light. There’s nothing like telling someone about some terrible thought you had about yourself and having to look them in the eye, to help you realize how stupid it sounds. I don’t think it’s QUITE the same with a blog post, but it’s not nothing! And I know that you’ll all want to tell me that I’m a good mom, and that everything I worry about is normal, and I’m doing it all on my own, and yada yada yada… And on some level, I know some of those things are true. But that truth will continue to live in that shadow.

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